CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER NINE: Problems

It is sometimes assumed by couples that if they are "in love" there will never be any conflicts in the home, but that there will always be perfect harmony between the marriage partners. Such is not the case! As has been well said by some one, "The course of true love never runs smoothly." It is unrealistic to think that any two totally depraved people are going to see everything exactly the same, always have the same desires, and always react to every situation in exactly the same way. Because every human being on earth is a unique individual, having his or her own personality, the husband and wife must expect that there will be differences between them, and make allowance for the viewpoint of the other partner. Failure to do so will result in serious conflicts at best, and actual knock-downs and drag-outs at worst.

It is a sad fact that many children grow up almost always getting their own way in everything, and so, they come into a marriage expecting this to continue. This is especially true of only children. Where there is more than one child in a family, there is the tendency for each child to learn how to get along with others without always expecting to have his or her own way. It has been found in studies that people that come from families having more than one child are more apt to know how to discuss and negotiate with mates when conflicts arise, than those who were only children. Not only so, but only children tend to view disagreements in the marriage relationship more seriously than those that grew up with siblings, for they were not used to the typical sibling rivalries, arguments and fights, and the subsequent amicable settling of these, than children with siblings were. Sometimes only children are able to learn these valuable lessons from the interpersonal relations that they experience in nursery school and kindergarten. It is more rare, but sometimes even in families with more than one child, one of them will have a selfish "rule-all" attitude, but when this happens, it is generally because the parents have allowed it to develop by showing excessive favoritism to one child.

However, conflicts in the home are not just restricted to conflicts between the husband and the wife. There are also often conflicts between the parents and the children, and, if in-laws or elderly parents or other relatives live with them, there may be serious conflicts with these as well. In fact, because every person has his or her own personality, there is always the potential for conflict between any two people that live together, regardless of the relationship.

Often some insignificant word or action will trigger a conflict, but such is almost never the real issue, but rather it is only the occasion for an outburst that has been simmering for some time, until the anger has built up to an explosive point. The real cause of the angry outburst may have happened weeks or months before, but had not been addressed and resolved at the time, when it could probably have been resolved much easier. Sometimes the offended party may have tried to smother the anger that was felt at the offence, thinking that all anger is evil and not to be tolerated. But this is not so, and to ignore anger often leads to worse sins, or, as the case may be, to real sin. That all anger is not sin is made clear when we remember that the sinless Son of God Himself was sometimes angry with the wrongdoing of people, Mark 3:5. Not only so, but the command is given to saints to be angry under some circumstances. However, specific guidelines are given for how to handle that anger. Eph. 4:26 says, "Be ye angry (imperative passive-a comma..'1.d to tolerate anger), and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath." Some anger is legitimate, so that sometimes it is sinful not to be angry, when an obvious wrong is done. However, the time limit-until sunset-shows that this is not to be harbored, for thereby it quickly turns into malice and hatred, but the matter is to be addressed and resolved at the time of the offence.

The context of this duty has some interesting implications. Eph. 4:25 commands, "Putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor: for we are members one of another." This is spoken to church members, and so the unity of the church body is at risk. But this same thing applies to the family body, for there is an even more intimate union involved between family members. In this context, the command to put away lying and to speak the truth suggests what is so common and so easy to do when one has been offended by another. That is, to put on a false front and pretend that one is not offended, or even to vocally lie about it, instead of honestly admitting to being offended and addressing the problem. Furthermore, the 27th verse is also significant. "Neither give place to the devil." This suggests that the devil gains an important advantage when anger is not addressed and resolved immediately. Many murders result from unresolved anger that continues to fester as the offended party broods over the real or supposed wrong done to him.
Every conflict has great potential for destruction of the relationship, the harmony of the home and even the lives of those involved therein. Conflicts are inevitable in the home, but they can be resolved when Biblical principles are used, and so, God's ideal of peace and happiness in the home can be achieved. But it will take work on the parts of all concerned. Unilateral handling of conflicts seldom achieves a lasting peace.

CONFLICTS OF PARTNERS

By this, of course, we mean conflicts that arise between the marital partners. This was a common thing even in ancient times when women did not have the equal status that they do today. We see this in the "buck-passing" of Adam in Gen. 3: 12, in the blaming of Abram by Sarai, Gen. 16:4-5; in the respective favoritism shown by Isaac and Rebekah to their sons, Gen. 27; in the jealousy and competitiveness of Leah and Rachel for their husband Jacob's affections, Gen. 30:1ff. And there are many other instances. The possibilities of conflict are as varied as the partners are, for the husband and wife generally have different backgrounds, different home influences, different personalities, and many other things that make for different outlooks. Nor are these differences necessarily bad, for they can contribute additional knowledge and experience to the home. However, it is generally better if there is a general similarity of moral and religious beliefs in the home, as well as similar cultural backgrounds. This is one reason why God forbade the Israelites to intermarry with the nations round about them, and even encouraged the people to many within their own tribes, Deut. 7:1-6; Numb. 36:6.
Someone once said that, "If both of the partners in a marriage are just alike, one of them is unnecessary," which is simply to say that differences are necessary for the good of the relationship, at least, to a degree. But these very differences are what make for the possibility of conflict within the relationship if both partners do not recognize the partner's right to differ in some things. It is a sign of immaturity when either partner is so selfishly stubborn that he or she must be the ruler in the marriage, and expects the other one to quietly acquiesce in every decision. Not only are there dictatorial men, but there are also women who would like to "wear the pants" in the family. If the dominated party is willing to be nothing more than a mindless robot, things may seem peaceful in the relationship, but it is not a healthy marriage. But generally such a situation cannot go on for long until the dominated party tires of being continually dominated and rebels, or else the dictator becomes more aggressive and begins to abuse the subjected party, a common thing for those that are dictatorial. Supreme authority seldom is content to remain so, but so feeds on itself that it must escalate to greater exercise of power, and so becomes abusive.

Conflicts between husbands and wives almost always arise when one or both partners do not respect the abilities and contributions that the other partner has and makes. We must again recall the truths suggested by Gen. 2:18,20 and I Cor. 11:11, namely, that neither the male nor the female exists independently of the other, but that both are to contribute to the common good, and each is to fill out what is lacking in the other. Every person has an ego, and that ego needs to be appreciated. But sin has so disrupted the ego that we all have a problem with our pride, which is simply an over inflated ego. Problems arise when one or the other neglects to show appreciation for the other partner, or, when one or the other has a problem with a runaway ego that desires more glory than is proper. We must remember the Lord's view of pride, as set forth in Prov. 16:5, and the certainty of judgment on pride as intimated in Prov. 16:18; 11:2; 29:23. The pride of life is one of the elements of this world system and one of the three chief means of temptation, I John 2:15-17.

It is interesting to note how that pride is shown to be the cause of contention in Prov. 13: 10. "Only by pride cometh contention." Most conflicts within the marriage stem from a wounded pride, which feels that it must compete with the marriage partner and in doing so, feels that it has come out second best. Where there is a mutual desire to contribute to the common good without asking, "Am I going to be duly appreciated for my contribution?" there is less likelihood of the ego being bruised.

There are several causes for conflicts to arise in the marriage. (1) Insensitiveness to one's mate's needs, as when one allows other things to seemingly become more important than he or she is. Hobbies, jobs, and myriads of other things can seem to supplant the mate. (2) An irritable mind often makes a person overly sensitive to the other party's attitude or action, so that one may imagine that the mate is not showing due appreciation. The pressures of one's job, or premenstrual stress may cause such an irritable mind. (3) Ignorance and misinterpretation of the mate's meaning may trigger a needless conflict. (4) Intentional meanness on the part of either is the cause of frequent conflicts. Often this results from a hurt feeling on his or her part, and is simply a defense mechanism, or an attempted retaliation for a real or supposed hurt that he or she has experienced.

All these things are contrary to that basic Christian principle known as "The Golden Rule," that says, "As ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise," Luke 6:31. This principle is not just for Christian people in church on Sundays, but should be a constant principle with all people everywhere and at all times. It is simply that fundamental principle of loving others as one's own self, which is the essence of the second table of the Law of God, Rom. 13: 10; Gal. 5: 14; James 2:8. If this principle should be applied generally, then how much more so in the home where love is supposed to be the characteristic. Conflicts between the marriage partners almost always arise when one of the partners feels a lack of love as a result of some word or action by the other partner. It may seem an oversimplification of the matter, but it is true nonetheless. The way to eliminate or correct such conflicts is simply to show real love and appreciation for one another, and to make allowances for the differences that naturally will exist in people of different personalities, backgrounds, experiences, etc.

CONFLICTS WITH PROGENY

By this is meant the conflicts with the children in the home, for these are as certain as night and day, simply because children are natural rebels against authority because of their native depravity that they inherit from their parents. Though both parents and progeny are equally depraved by nature, yet the parents have generally been disciplined and developed beyond the stage of petulance and utter selfishness that characterizes most young children until they grow and mature to a degree.

A child initially wants what it wants immediately and without regard to the cost, inconvenience or danger involved. It will resort to all sorts of means to achieve its desire, temper tantrums, manipulation, crying, psychology, etc. Many parents practically abdicate their responsibility to properly teach and train their children because they dislike conflict, and so they give in to the child's demands. Every time this is done, it establishes the child more in the particular bad practice that the child used to achieve its selfish end, and makes that child even harder to discipline and develop the next time. Not only so, but it will result in the child's actions becoming a continual reproach upon the parents, for bad behavior on the part of a child in public generally means that the child has been allowed to have its own way at home. "Even a child is know by his doings, whether his work be pure, or whether it be right," Provo 20: II. "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame," Provo 29:15. When a little child misbehaves in public and perhaps throws a temper tantrum in an endeavor to get its own way, let not the parent say, "I just don't know why he is acting so badly." That is hypocrisy! The child acts badly because it is used to getting its own way in the home by doing so. Sometimes a child does not throw a temper tantrum, but only continues to argue with the parents. This again reveals that it is used to having a debating society at home, and wearing the parents down with arguments. In both instances there is revealed that the child has not been taught that the parents' word is final and not subject to review and revision by the child.

Having said all this, let it now be considered that parents ought not to be so negative or so hard and fast in their rules and regulations in the home that they never give any consideration to the wishes of the children. Many years ago as the father of two young children, it dawned on me one day that I had become quite negative toward them, in that every time they asked for something, or for permission to do something, I automatically said "no" without even considering the matter. That was both wrong and foolish, for there were many things they asked for or wanted to do that were perfectly right and proper, and there was no reason why they should not do them. I had to learn to modify my own attitudes. Many things that children want to do are a part of the natural learning process, and they need to have the experience of them. But often the parents, because those things are so many years in the past for them, do not see the need and importance of the children experiencing them. And they may be tempted to deny them to the children for no other reason than that they themselves have no interest in those things. Much of the quality of our lives, however, is the result of the many and varied, and sometimes inconsequential, experiences that we have had.

Much of what we have said before relates to the conflicts that arise between parents and young children. As children enter into puberty and early teens, there are often conflicts with parents that did not exist before. This is because they are beginning to mature, and naturally want to "test their wings," and assert their independence. And while they are often guilty of bad judgment at this time, yet there is also the need to allow them more freedoms than they had while they were younger. Two dangers are to be avoided: first, throwing off all restraints and controls, and allowing them to do anything that they please. And second, continuing to treat them like they were little children. Nothing is sadder than to see a person in his or her mid-twenties that is still totally dominated by a parent. Sometimes this will continue until the death of the parent, at which time the child is left, perhaps a fifty year old person, that is totally incapable of coping with life because never allowed to make his or her own decisions. It leaves them emotionally crippled for life.

When conflicts arise between a parent and a teenaged child, it will be an act of wisdom on the part of the parent to consider well whether the child needs the freedom to make its own decision in this matter. The teen years are years of important growth and maturing, but they are also years of many dangers. The child can no longer be treated like an eight year old, but, at the same time, it cannot be given the total freedoms of adulthood. And it is just this fact that makes for frequent conflicts between parents and teenagers, for the teenager tends to think that he or she had reached full maturity, while the parent tends to think of the child as if he or she were still a kindergartner. It is well if both parent and child can remember that each has rights and responsibilities, and so, for each to be tolerant of the other one.

Here, as in the case of conflicts between marriage partners, the conflicts often arise because one or the other feels that there is not the proper love and respect shown by the other, and that there is not the proper deference shown to the abilities of the other. The parent needs to learn that if the child has been properly taught and trained, there should be trust extended to the child, while the child needs to realize that the parent only has the child's best interest at heart and is trying to shield it from danger and hurt. Young people are often very naive and gullible about the dangers of life.

CONFLICTS WITH PARENTS

This has to do with the conflicts that arise between adult children and their parents, who sometimes find it hard to recognize that their children are fully mature and accountable for their own lives. Some parents, by their refusal to "cut the apron strings" and release their adult children, make them to be emotional cripples for all of their lives. Or, if the children assert their independence, such domineering parents may accuse them of disrespect, lack of love or other things, and may try to make them feel guilty for asserting their independence. It is sad to see such a manipulative parent always trying to control an adult child. And sometimes such parents will even destroy the marriage of their adult child in an endeavor to have the child back under their domination again. This is sinful! Remember what Jesus said in Matt. 19:6?

But even where there has been the recognized independence of children by their parents, conflicts sometimes arise over other things, as, for example, the way that the child raises the grandchildren. By the time that the grandchildren come along parents sometimes forget how strict they were with their own children, and they may cause conflicts by being critical of their children's methods of discipline of their own children.

And sometimes conflicts arise because parents are critical of their children's mates and their ways of doing things. This is common enough that "in-law trouble" has become a sort of standing joke. As we have considered earlier in this study, when a man and a woman marry, there is required a loyalty to one another that supersedes all other loyalties, even that toward parents. This is to be even to the point of "leaving" the parents, Matt. 19:4-6. No one is to put asunder this divinely instituted relationship. Because of the Scriptural requirements here and the bonding that should take place between husband and wife it has been suggested that three words should characterize the ideal marriage: Leaving, Cleaving and Weaving (the bonding process).

There is especially the possibility of conflict in the home where there are two or more generations of adults, as when elderly parents or other relatives are taken care of, yet this is the Divine requirement. No one has the right to cast off their elderly relatives but just as children were cared for when they were young and often troublesome, so parents and grandparents are to be cared for, though they may be opinionated, peevish, stubborn and have other irritable traits about them. Scripture says, "If any widow have children or nephews (or rather grandchildren or descendents), let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents; for that is good and acceptable before God ... If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed," I Tim. 5:4, 16. Today it is the common practice of many to put elderly parents and grandparents into nursing homes and forget them, and many such people live out a sad existence, almost totally forsaken by those whom they cared for and raised when they were young. This is a sin before God, and ought never to be mentioned of any that claims to be a Christian, as is shown by I Tim. 5:8. "If any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel."

Taking care of elderly parents and grandparents sometimes requires special grace, since there is so much potential for conflict between the two generations. On the parents' part this conflict may be promoted because they live so much in the past, remembering how things used to be. And thinking that they are still able to be as independent as they used to be, and expecting to make all their own decisions, even when they are no longer capable of consistently doing so. On the children's part this conflict may be promoted by their desire to be independent (as their parents also desire to be) and to be unencumbered with the responsibilities of the elderly, and sometimes infirm. Sometimes elderly people make it hard for their children and grandchildren to tolerate them because they refuse to recognize their own limitations, and they are opinionated and stubborn and too insistent on having their own way, and even of running the household into which they have been taken.

However, one of the surest ways for a person to shorten his own life, and the enjoyment of it, is to be disrespectful toward parents and grandparents. For the commandment to "Honor thy father and mother" is the "first commandment with promise," which is, "That it may be well with thee, and that thou mayest live long on the earth," Eph. 6:2-3.

And doubtless it is good for all concerned to responsibly take care of the elderly parents in the home, for in doing so, the children of the home are taught by example what their own responsibility is to their parents when they become elderly. And it is generally good for children to have the influence of grandparents on their lives, and to learn from them of their heritage, and of how things used to be many years before they were born. Sometimes just three or four generations may span a hundred years or more, and there is much of value to be learned from the actual contact with elderly people. There will be some conflicts, but the advantages generally far outweigh the problems if both generations will work at it.

As in the case of conflicts with partners and with progeny, conflicts with parents almost always occur when one or the other, or both, fail to show proper appreciation for the other, causing hurt feelings. Here again, as in the case of marital partners, the practice of the principle of the "Golden Rule" (Luke 6:31) would go a long way toward removing any cause for conflict, assuming that both parties practiced this rule. But it is common for there to be less consideration shown toward one's own relatives than toward those outside the family. However, this Golden Rule is just as applicable toward parents and other relatives as it is toward the person that we meet in passing.

Conflict is common between human beings in every country, climate and circumstance. This is because of man's fallen nature that he inherits by birth from his parents and which he passes on intact to his own children. Not even the new birth entirely eradicates the carnality that is at the root of much conflict between people, although salvation does go a long way in preventing such conflicts.

There is in the home, as well as in every other segment of society, a constant need to work to prevent conflicts from arising, and to resolve them very speedily when they do arise. The one ingredient that will do more to accomplish this than any other is an outflowing love for others, for I Pet. 4:8 says, "And above all things have fervent charity [love] among yourselves; for charity [love] shall cover a multitude of sins." This is quoted from Provo 10: 12, where it is interesting to notice that the negative of this is first set forth by saying, "Hatred stirreth up strifes [contentions, discords, conflicts]: but love covereth all sins." Thus, as hatred and pride stirs up conflicts, Prov. 13: 10, love is the means of settling them. Therefore, "Let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is bom of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love," I John 4:7-8.